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  • Gabrielle Archambault

origami

You made origami out of my mouth trying to shut me up with yours. My lips do not belong to me anymore, trembling with Stockholm syndrome, they make excuses for you. Your tongue so deep down my throat I couldn't breathe or scream. Deep as a man's casket in the ground. The taste of you, the ashes, lit, burning my insides. The smell of cigarettes, left there to be forgotten just like my self esteem. I wish I could also forget about your hands running all over my body. Drawing something abstract on my my thighs, my back, my breasts... Your fingers exploring new territory, a place no one had ever laid hands on. You stumbled across it and thought it was yours.

You dive for sunken gold but only to find flesh or should I say my vulnerability. Even if I was fighting, you still used your hands to rip away my pride along with my clothes as you entered me. I could describe this as the worst kind of pain I ever felt, I thought I would break in half. Not because you took something from me but because I lost myself on that day. You made me feel dead inside. Like everything else in your life, you are broken and while you say 'Cheers', you clink your glass too hard on mine. We are broken glass and it is your fault. You still believe it's mine and expect me to clean it up.

Your brutal embrace, your sizzling skin against my body filled with ice cold blood. At that moment I am reminded of grandma's knitting only I find it in my throat. You don't give up until I'm so tired to fight that I want to let go and you watch as my sweat, skin and bones give in to you, exhausted and shaken. You take my hand like you grab a door handle, twisting and hurting. I try to resist but I take you in anyway because you're just too strong and I don't want to make you angry. I surrender as you put the part of your body that defines you as man into my hand. Even though there is no welcome mat you enter anyway and make yourself comfortable. You shout and I have no choice but to obey. Your jaw is as hard as you are and it disgusts me to think that you take pleasure in forcing yourself on me.

My eyes fill up with tears and they run down my face onto my mouth. Do you like the taste or you just haven't noticed them ?

I don't matter anymore and you don't seem to remember that I'm a person with a name. You have me locked up in your arms, you swallowed the key and you want me to go get it. Your mouth is the ocean and my sailboat is drowning. I am panicking, out of breath, suffocating and you don't seem to mind. You whisper in my ear words that I will never forget : 'You are mine'

My heartbeat used to be a beautiful song but now it's out of tune and way too fast. My mind is like prisoner on the run, forever trying to loose you. I am crushed under your weight so even if I wanted to get out, I couldn't. But now I have stopped. I'm not moving anymore and I'm waiting for it to end because you already destroyed everything good in me. I have nothing to fight for anymore. As you make it impossible to escape, you paint my body with your dark thoughts and I let you do it.

That sickening smell of cigarettes, a man's voice, a stranger accidentally brushing my arm. The alarm goes off and I can only press snooze. If only your face was just that, a random face in the crowd. Instead, you became the reason that looking into a man's eyes brings me back in the taxi you were driving when you pulled over in the middle of nowhere, locked the doors and unbuckled my seatbelt.


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©2019 by Gabrielle Archambault.

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